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sunrise said:
If someone crosses your boundaries and you tell them not to, and they still do it, what should you do? That's the piece that I am missing. I have many instances of trying to set boundaries in my life but people just ignore them. I don't know what to say or do to get them to respect my boundaries. So I just give up and don't try to set boundaries.

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I find it starts in how you feel about yourself. If you feel you don't deserve to be treated with respect, then you will definitely be walked all over and have your personal boundaries violated. Some people who don't have a good sense of personal boundaries don't even recognize it.

I would ask your therapist this question--if you don't know what the faulty behavior/thought processes are that enables the boundary violators to disrespect you, then how can you even begin to correct it?

I should mention that that no matter how much self-respect/self-esteem a person has, there will always be people that attempt to disrespect you and violate a personal boundary. People who have a good self respect/self-esteem (implying a good sense of personal boundaries) do not allow for repeat offense, and certainly do not make themselves into martyrs or doormats for the self-aggrandizement of others.

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My big success recently is that after 20 years of marriage I'm getting a divorce. This is the ultimate boundary setting, to abandon someone who won't respect your boundaries.

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Why do you call it abandonment?? If your own husband will not even take the appropriate steps to respect you as a person (which begins by recognizing his own faults and shortcomings), let alone his wife---then who is really abandoning the marriage, him or you? He abandoned everything that a husband is supposed to be then, wouldn't you say? I know how terrible it feels to divorce a spouse, having gone through this; nay, still going through this very issue.

Even if you know that your spouse is the problem and that you've done everything you could have to "fix" the marriage (or any relationship really), it doesn't take away the hurt of the love for that person (past love, current love, or even false "love"). In my case, there wasn't anything that I could have done to heal the rift in our marriage, since a marriage is like any other equal partnership. Successful partnerships require that each partner does whatever they can to save the "business" (in our case, marriage) from dissolving and running into the ground.

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I think my approach has just been to give up when people won't respect my boundaries and then be in these miserable relationships in which people walk all over me. I take responsibility for this. I don't know how to get them to comply. I need to learn.

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Even with my relatively good self-esteem and a good sense of boundaries, it made no difference in "saving" our relationship, as my spouse didn't really want to accept responsibility for contributing to our failed relationship. I can "fix" my own negative behaviors, but I sure as hell can't fix someone else's. That applies to every relationship dynamic. You can only take responsibility for your own behaviors, not other people's.

You can't force other people to treat you with respect, but you can make it known immediately that you will not give that person your permission to treat you disparagingly. Do not remain silent. Silence does nothing but give consent to the offender. Tell the offender in specific language, calmly, careful not to allow room for an argument or expansion into larger issues. No room for argument should be given, as being given respect should be your expectation, not an option.

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However, I would like to learn things I can do that are not so drastic. How can I enforce my boundaries without walking away from a relationship? I am thinking here not just of future romantic relationships, but current relationships with other family members, friends, etc.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> You do it one minute at a time, and eventually self-esteem will EMANATE from you. Allow yourself to build your wall of personal courage and self-esteem with every small success, and never internalize the mistakes or unsuccessful attempts.

Never apologize for accepting anything less than to be treated with respect by all people. Sacrificing your own personal needs for the wants/desires/requests from someone else sets the stage for negative feelings and low self-esteem. Self-sacrifice for the personal gain of others at your personal expense turns you into a willing doormat. Don't be a willing subject to other people. People who use others in this fashion are not deserving of your company, and you should extricate yourself from them. There is a difference between being personally responsible for something or someone,such as your child, and being used as a doormat.

There are some relationships that, through no fault of your own, are simply not reparable in spite of what you contribute to the relationship. Some people are simply not willing to shed their negative behaviors. Primarily this is because they are deep in the quagmire of denial. It's really difficult when this is a family member or someone you've had a long-standing relationship/friendship with. If it's a family member that's the offender, the same steps apply as non-family members. Everyone has the need to be loved, valued, wanted, and treated with respect.