Yes, I felt trapped in my marriage. I am in the process of divorce.

Contributing causes to the trapped feeling:

1) I had given up my career to support my H's career and take care of our kids. My income would not support my kids if I left. My H had all the financial savvy. I was afraid he was sheltering assets and would take all the money and run if I filed for divorce.

2) I had the dream that marriage should last forever and I didn't want to give up on that dream. I kept trying to make the relationship work, but he didn't put forth similar effort.

3) I had a history of abuse, neglect, no love, etc. in childhood and so my H's treatment of me seemed familiar and reasonable because of this.

Solutions:

1) I learned as much about our family finances as I could. I photocopied statements and bills and kept my own set. I started paying all of my bills, instead of letting my H have that monthly chore. I started getting my own money weekly out of the bank, instead of relying on my H to give me money he withdrew each week. I would not approve his idea to buy real estate with our savings. I wanted the assets to remain liquid for easier division. There was nothing I could do about my lost career--no use crying over spillt milk. I am now considering retraining programs so that I can find a new career that is more stable and pays better. My lawyer helped educate me on how divorce worked and I realized that I would get some assets in a settlement, and these would help keep me off the street, at least for a while.

2) I became too hurt to last any longer. I got a therapist and a lawyer. These people helped me realize the dream of marriage was dead and to stop beating a dead horse.

3) My therapist served a very important role with this. When I would tell him about my marriage and he would hear the sorts of things I endured, he would tell me that those things were not normal, that most couples didn't have those problems, that I shouldn't have to put up with that. This seems simple but it was so helpful to have someone, an expert on human relations, validate my experience and tell me that this wasn't a typical situation, that others did not put up with this. He also gave me a book on verbal and emotional abuse and reading this allowed me to see myself. This was a big stumbling block, because I felt that acknowledging that I might have been the target of such abuse meant I was a victim, and I hated thinking of myself that way.

I would say the most help was hiring caring and highly skilled professionals to help me: lawyer and therapist. Also, building up a support network of friends and family was very important too. And overcoming my reluctance to let anyone know that I was having a hard time, the marriage was falling apart, etc. People have been very helpful to me.

In retrospect, I really wasn't trapped. My perception was skewed. Although I was scared to go it alone and leave the relationship, I really was not trapped.

Good luck, Malachite.