Well this is wk 2 and bit of the summer break. What am I doing to cope? Well I've found reading Donald Winnicotts soothing words to be a very good reminder of the type of person T is. I've found a way to keep in touch with that sensible, down to earth no fancy words thinking. Lots of good thoughts amongst his works.

I've realised also that I have had a misunderstand of the word "creative",thinking that meant I must become an artist of needlework expert over-night so have resisted that word with a vengence. Only to find out that it means being able to live each moment for what it is, solely a new moment and to make I will off it, instead of already labelling it and reacting to as if its a given.

I've realised that the anger I feel is hiding the hurt I feel that T is not perfect and has let me down in this respect, that nothing short of mothering a new-born baby is good enought for me, well to a small part of me least ways. But once again once this hidden fantasy is brought into the light of day I see how impractical it is and how even a new born baby needs to be left to lie still at times.

Naming where this hurt was coming from, ie, the feeling of let down by T because shes bursted my bubble where I believe I am the begining and the ending of her life has helped soothe that small part. I get to show her what she is getting and not to dwell on what she isn't getting.

I realised also that the perfect mother I've held onto ever since one dark winters afternoon when laid up on the sofa with measles and watching an episode of "Lost in Space" I had kidnapped the mother from that family and made her mind but done this all secretly because of feelings of shame I felt at the "betrayal" of my adoptive mother. I couldnt put thoughts or words to why I did this at that age 5, but now know that I knew that I was'nt getting enought from my adoptive mother and saw the mother in "Lost in space" as the subsitute mother. But it just come to mind the other night that i Had done this and that I no longer need her now or need to find someone to match her because what I get from T is enought now. That felt nice, even though I didn't realise Iwas still after all these yrs looking for the "space" mmum.

I do still get moments of feeling down because theres still 2 and bit weeks left, but then I remember that word "creative" and realise I can do what I want with my day and Im sure T would be very pleased to know that I not sitting wasting this time between sessions feeling abandoned all_of_the_time. So its finding that happy balance of, missing T and living creatively!! Hey I' a poet, cept I don't know-it!

End of Musings!