I really don't know want is wrong with me. I'm a young boy who wanted a girlfriend, but decided to not focus on it, afterall, I do have time to find a lover and all that. But today was my first day of school and being a junior in high school. After school, I wanted a girlfriend, and then I start doing the same thing that made me try to forget dating in the first place;

Thinking about things that I don't like.

Like how I can't get a girlfriend in the first place, I've only had one girlfriend and it ended because her parents didn't want us dating.

Or how the girls in school don't act reasonable, some do, but others are just stupid. Doing drugs and drinking other stupid crap.

Or how I was treated in the past. Like getting called ulgy and just being mistreated by people I thought were my friends. Or girls acted stupid just because I told then how I felt about them, they acted like dating me is eating rat poison or something. Things have changed, I don't get treated like that much anymore, but it's still having some affect on me to this day. It affect isn't as strong as a few years ago, but still lingers.

Then I start feeling really bad, like dating is something that I won't do much since I keep on thinking toxic and self-defeating thoughts. So I've got little hope, and I want to live without basically performing mental suicide for something I can survive without. As much I would love to have a lover and all that, I don't need one. But I really don't know why I want a lover so much outside of the, "I want someone to share my life with" type of reason.

It is my goal to eventually have a family and all that, but I just want a break from dating or even thinking about it too much. Because I do want to be happy, and that itself is more than some fake teen love that I'd be stuck with now. And thinking about dating is just hurting me. Since there's few teens who are serious about dating (at least, in my opinion) there seems to be no point in trying to find love and that stuff. At least at this age.

I need help with something, but I don't know where to start or to end or whatever. Should I really ingrone something that I'm being told deep down (Like find love)? Even if it means that not listening means I can be happy? If I do listen, how do I continue having hope. I usually am a guy who thinks positive (Even to the point of annoying the crap out of people around him) but dating is something I have doubts on. Is this desire for a lover just some way for me to compensate for something else I lack in life? Do I have some inferoity/supioerity complex? Maybe I'm not as mature as I think I am? Maybe I'm making this problem bigger than what it is?

Those are some questions I ask myself, but I as of now, I'm confused and want some peaceful thoughts. I am tired of my head being full of rather depressing thoughts. I've been writing my thoughts down in a jounral, it helps, but it must not alot if I'm still getting upset when I think about dating and what I remember and feel about it. So, what is you thoughts on this? Where should I start?