So, I'm in the middle of a rupture with T. It literally hurts in a physical way - like an ache in my chest. He screwed up yesterday, and he admits he screwed up, but obviously there's no way to turn back time to fix it, so it's basically up to me to forgive him and move on.

I guess the tricky thing is that the therapy relationship is SO INTENSE, and with the transference, everything feels so much larger than life. So what would feel like a normal human screw up if someone else did it feels like rejection and abandonment when T does it. And it feels like rejection and abandonment of the most private, deep, secret parts of me - the parts of me that only T knows. Wow, that hurts. A lot.

I realized in session that I don't really want to cut and run. I do want to try to reconnect with him. And I realized that I don't want to feel disconnected all weekend, so I did try to open up and let him back in before session was over. We held hands at the end of session, more out of desperation on my part than anything else. And even though I didn't really feel reconnected, I guess I felt like I was trying, and that maybe the connection will come back in time.

He just left me a phone message, and it's clear from the message that things are different right now. It feels like the rupture is affecting both of us...which is, I guess, how it is in a relationship. He sounds different - sad? concerned? And somehow, THAT makes it hurt even more. I don't know why.

Ugh. It's just so, so painful. I have a session on Monday next week and a session on Thursday, and then I won't see him for 11 days because I'm going on vacation. I feel scared that everything sort of fell apart before a big break. I feel lonely in a deep, deep way.

It just hurts