Sometimes people may sense that you care deeply and can make you feel as though you are being mean when all you are doing is taking care of yourself. I can't tell from your post if you are really being mean to people to protect yourself and wish you were nicer but have anger to deal with, or are you "looking up to people" that are misguiding you because they sense you can be pushed around a bit and are wanting approval so bad. Or they might be quick to judge, or maybe even you are just a little snappy, but take it to heart too much when people don't agree with your tactics. Sometimes their is no right and wrong and you can't please everyone, all the time. I have learned to make up my own mind as to whether I've been mean or not. I have taken on both roles in my life at times. I've lashed out and regretted it and I've also been mislead when I probably could have afforded to stand up for myself more. What do you think?

Please don't be so hard on yourself, and let the natural healthier you come through.