Though I think I'm doing better this summer break then at other times I still have that feeling inside that feels like a wall of pain. The memory I often have is off my trying to get my adoptive mothers attention/pity/sympahy? I can't rememember exactly but its like all the times up until this day hadn't been final, but this day its as if I had set her a test and if she failed this days test I-would-know-finally.

So as I say its unclear what it was I was trying to get from her, but whatever it was, it failed and I remember being so upset/angry that I stormed out to our yard steps and sat and cried a 1000 tears finally knowing the truth, the truth that she didn't love me. I remember looking at a plaster I had on my knee and deciding to do the thing a child is most afraid off, to take it off. I remember crying knowing there was no one else to do this for me, yes I think the plaster become symbolic, and I kept peeling the plaster bit by bit with that fear in my stomach and finally I did it. By the time the plaster was off, my tears had stopped and my "toughness" had returned and I knew then that I would never try and get my adoptive mothers love again.

I remember going back indoors and perhaps wondering if she had softened? if perhaps she felt bad? becauase I wanted/needed her too, but no, she had resumned her position of head down and me being a child had no way of connecting with her again.

I think this is what I feel with T, that I am terrified she will be indifferent to my pain when I return after the break, like my adoptive mother was indifferent to me that day, that its like a battle of wills, that I will go back to T wanting to see if she feels bad about leaving me, but knowing she won't. I know this is a opputurnity to change this memory, to-do-it-differently this time, to talk about how I feel and what I feel I need from her. But the memory of that interaction between me and mum is so powerful, so real, so now that its hard to tell myself that T isnt mum and she does care and I dont have to go it alone.

Perhaps we can peel that plaster off together??