Profound... profound.. profound sadness prevails my "system" ...

I am DID.... how to explain to those.. that are not DID... yet share... the common bond of sexual abuse in their background...

I won't try... I will trust the common bond.. to bring about understanding of my post...

Being DID.... means to be mis-understood by the world around you... am at the extreme severe end of DID...so.. very distinct alters.. very distinct personalities.. with their likes.. their dislikes.. their clothing.. everything...

so all of my life.. have heard "you change your mind so often"... " you are inconsistent"..... " you laugh one minute" and "you cry the next"... "I don't know what t expect from you - from my boss"...

Asked to live in the world.. to perform.. as "normal"... yet... having to strive against all odds of "achieveing" that unobtainable goal.. consistency.........simply because my mind shattered.. because I was sexually.. and physically abused... as a child...

The abuse... marked me.. as "damaged" beyond repair.. forever.. and NO.. I do not believe that all abused people are "damaged" forever..

I am.. because of... my personality... because of my genetics... because.. of who I am... NOT... because I am DID.... because I am.. who I am.. period..

I "accepted" this...

And... today I "accepted" another.... very, very difficult.. thing for me...

and hence the profound sadness...

a person... told me exactly.. what I was yesterday... something I have heard from childhood... something.. that every person in my life.. has wanted me to change... my ex-husband... my best friend.. my other friends... and finally... most hurtful of all my son... my now adult son..

I was told:
you are the sweetest, most gentle, non-jaded, non-worldly person..

too sweet... too gentle.. you should be jaded.. angry.. bitter... you should not forgive... you should... you should... you should..and it went on.. and on... and on... and on.. and on... for hours...


and... the person told me I was a "curse"... because no one would want me in their life because of my qualities-

it is too much of a responsibility for others around me....for me to be.. who I am...

my non-jadeness.. my trusting.. my giving brings out the absolute worse in people... so.. I am a "curse".... my responsibility... my terribleness...

and... it finally "hit home"... like.. a ton of bricks....

being told to toughen up by my son... to get mean by my best friend.. to develope... protection by my pdoc...

I could go on.. they all.. are saying the same thing..

the person yesterday... spelled it out.. in terms.. and words.. that I finally GOT... finally understood...

and.. they have all given up on me changing... my pdoc.. for 7 years... has tried.. he finally.. just said.. be careful.. keep to yourself..

So.. I am a "curse" to others... and when I say I... it is my entire DID system.... all of us...

and hence... the profound sadness... and hence... my not wanting to live..

It doesn't end... for ME... it doesn't end... the abuse.. ruined.. my life at the time... it runied my life forever..

I do not expect... anyone... to care... on this board about my feelings ... or really "get it"..

Because.. it took me 52 years... to finally "get it"... so.. how in a post.. could another person... understand... and even if someone does..

what can they say????

you can change

heard that... all my life .......

accept it....

I have...

want it... no of course not... who wants to be a "curse" to mankind??

there are no words of comfort.. nothing...

no therapist.. to fix.. no friend.. to comfort.. no family to love..

I think.. they call this " the end of the line"......

freewill....