The last couple of days have been really rough, yesterday when I woke up it rained all morning, which probably did not help my mood any. Had some many things rushing through my head it was hard to do any thing, which more or less put me in to a semi-panic mode. I could not even seem to get to these forums, kept on timing out on me, and that did not help matters either.

I was feeling really trapped, like there was no way out or no end in sight. It was really distressing. Not sure if I am going to be able to make it to my next session this week, my truck is down for the count (breaks went bad) and do not have the money to even come close to get it fixed. I just hope the V.A. provides transportation.

I know it is this illness or what ever you want to call it. In the past, I would just bury myself in my work, but can't work any more, which in a way just leads to another endless cycle of causes and effects. Then late last night, as I was starting to drift off to sleep finally, I had an odd thought, which kept me up longer still yet.

So now with everything else that is flying around my head, I have this `wonder if I could find sponsors and backers, so I could either bike around the state or across the u.s. raising money to help people that are in the same situation as I am`, Then wondering if I could even pull it off even if I did. Then the thought off people going 'if you could do that, you should be able to work' , so around and around it goes. I had my case worker at DHS tell me, you seem like an highly intelligent person, you should just be able to work through all this and go to work. And I agree'd with her, then went on a rant that the more I tried to explain, the faster I started to talk, and then started jumping subjects to fast for her to follow, until I was visibility shaking in the chair.

When will it stop ? Probably only after I am 6 feet under I suppose (no don't go there, offing myself is not my style, guess I am a glutton for punishment.) Bah.. another rant, sorry I get started some times and it's off to the races.