Trigger warning.
Sorry I'm trying really bad not to swear and to be nice today but I need to get this out before I punch a wall.
I messed up today, way to go, stupid &^%$ing me. I was supposed to go see a doctor for my eye. Sitting in the waiting room with Kate, I hate doctors, I hate hospitals, I hate clinics, waiting rooms, but I know I have to. I'm trying to stay calm so the medical things won't trigger me. Continue reading my book, don't want to look up.
Two guys were talking loud - I wasn't eavesdropping but anyone could hear. Talking about if torture should be legal or not. One guy says yeah, how bad could it be? I clench my teeth, keep reading. Guy keeps talking. He says water boarding (people who know me well know how I feel about that) isn't torture. Alright, I keep reading, everyone has opinions.
Then he says branding isn't torture. Does he have ANY &*!@IGN IDEA how it FEELS to have the bloody hot iron burn into your %$#&ing skin? I have a &^*(ing cross branded into my back and some &^*(ing cattle logo like a branded cow for my god %#@&#! dad to own. I'm rolling my fists, I'm trying to ignore it, but these two guys are being real &^%*ing loud. Kate sees I'm getting mad and she tells me to put my iPod on and listen to that.
I'm getting my iPod out but this guy is not shutting up. He starts talking about burning people in the context of trying to get information or some ^%$! like that. How would he &^(@ing like to be drenched in gasoline, gagged and bound, and actually hoping that a fire will come quick because the agony of waiting to be set into flames is too &^)#ing much. Does he know what it bloody god %#@&#! fragging feels like to have a collar and a leash and be dragged around like you're some kind of *&^%ing slave or a &^!@ing dog.
I lost it. I couldn't do it - I try so hard never to get mad and never to snap because I'm not allowed to be angry. I lose it. The guy was obviously anglo and I don't think he understood a word of my loud french curse words and I completely freaked out. I could have torn that man's throat out. His friend looked terrified and Kate hauled my chair back.
Security got there and Kate canceled me seeing the doctor because I was losing it so she took me home. Missed my ^&$)ing doctor's appointment because of some %^&* head (although my %#@&#! fault).
So BLOODY ANGRY.
Ostie de tabarnak de calīce I'm not allowed to be angry but &^$*&^%*(^^!. Now it's all here, all again, read a bit of a book and been trying to be nice and calm and good but just let me write this then I'll go curl up and shut up.
