I have been having such a difficult separation from T. For some reason I thought this time would be easier, but it is in fact, worse and I have spent a bit of time beating myself up for not being able to cope better. I have not been sleeping much and I have been feeling really lousy. Last night I slept fitfully for a few hours, with many dreams merging together, crowding my REM sleep. I woke up crying and rocking and thinking about T. I was feeling quite desperate and totally disgusted with this turn and myself until two things happened. First of all, I recognized that I was re-enacting a feeling I had when my parents left me with my abusive grandmother. I was feeling completely abandoned. This desertion by T was compounded by the fact that my SIL IRL is a T and couldn't refrain but act very T'ish on the phone with me on Saturday when I was crying. She knew I was missing T and was suffering. But it felt like -- on some level -- I was left with her by T. I didn't want her, I wanted my T.

The second thing that happened was reading an article written by a therapist -- and it gave me so much hope for my relationship with T.

While I was surfing the net this evening I came across a most extraordinary and honest article about a therapeutic relationship and how the ending was managed by both the therapist and the client. Not that my relationship is ending but the beauty of the relationship and the deep respect and meaningful sharing of lives is heartening.

I recognize that this morning I regressed and that she (Little Miss Charlotte) is hurting, sad, angry, scared, vulnerable and unprotected.

Sigh.

If you would like to read the article click here:
When the Therapist Leaves