sigh...... thank you for all of your posts. this site has been tremendous help to me since i joined. i try to keep up at work when times are slow - but as of late that hasn't been the case. and i can't really look at anything at home (except on my days off in which i have to delete the history). something about my posts would probably be upsetting to her (probably about broadcasting the situation i am sure).

i am still in the house until friday - been sleeping on the couch.

so her grandfather has been sick and in the hospital for a little over a month. he hasnt been doing so well as of late and last night she went to see him at the hospital. she come home very upset because the family is apparently making plans now (he's 92) with the condition he is in.

i've never felt like such a monster in my life - but i barely had it left in me to even comfort her. i left her to go to bed on the couch. listened to her sob all night. i'm sure a lot of that has to do with our situation. but it pretty much sucked.

what worse is that i feel painted with a stigma. like now i'm one of those people with a bunch of drama dragging behind them in an invisible cart. i hate to even talk about it (i dont at work) just because of what it injects into the environment. which almost feels entrapping. sigh.

sannah -

i've often thought about that situation - that she 'subconsciously' wanted me to find it. but i dunno if i can honestly subscribe to that line of thought right now. i dated a girl (very briefly and a long time ago) that stated 'you don't want me working at a restaurant because you think i'll flirt with the cooks.' this was a completely out of the blue statement which ended up being true in actuality. (its called a feudian slip - hiding the truth in conversation - sometimes even blurting it out unwillingly)

wmd -

i agree with the bird analogy. make my own happiness...... sigh. i am a BIG advocate that happiness is entirely up to each individual (i.e. i can't rely on anybody to make me truely happy - but other people can ADD to it).

star -

ya.... heels dug in. i think at this point i've dug an entire fighting position. and im tire of living in it. the hard part is coming out with all the bullets flying around. the other part is throwing down my defenses and walking away