DesertNurse,
I understand that feeling of constant damage control mode. On top of it, if you're like me, you're also always waiting for what will come next.... sure that it will be something hurtful rather than something to make you smile. I certainly don't know the answer. I wish I did. I also wonder what it means when there is something so easy for you to find. If it's not even hidden, then what is it? A cry for help? An attempt at conversation even when it's obviously going to bring on a negative conversation? If you've been going through all of this for a year and there's no sign of change, then maybe it IS time to take a real step to take care of yourself. I'm not there yet, but I have a few more months before hitting the year mark. Maybe a little time apart will change your perspective - for both of you. It's horrible to feel like you're deserting someone when they are (about to be) in a crisis or time of need. But it sounds like you've been serving that role for a long time. If you weren't feeling able to comfort her, then it was better to be true to your feelings and not to pretend.