PTSD is a dissociative disorder right? Well, My T and I were speaking about the accomodations I need for work and she stated to me that I have a major Dissociative disorder. Well duh. The part I am confused about is that in my self I feel different parts but I know them all. I know the feelings that lead to a shift and the roles of my different parts. This T does not believe in labeling the parts etc. it works for me as no one has names or real identities, just roles in trying to help us survive the concentration camps of growing up. The young child who wants love and protection and can't understand words but can understand the way things feel, the Pissed off adolescent that does not trust anyone and everything that anyone says is held to scrutiny few have passed. The parental self who wants to protect and tells me to shut up and stop being vulnerable and don't get hurt and hurts us to keep us safe. Yells at us for having needs, punishes. The healthy adult me who writes this. The punishing parental self comes when there is accute fear and a sense that danger is near. Shut up you whiny brat, I will show you something to cry about. Show the world you don't need anything from them.
I am sorting out what makes working hard and a lot of it is that I am so frequently not present. I am somewhere else, I am dissociating. That affects my memory a lot. I can't stay on task. I can't know what is next and I lose concentration. This is the problem that it is causing pain for me. I do not feel as though they are seperate beings, just parts that have had to exist to survive. She says I am dissociating a lot more lately. Well crap, I am on meds and working hard, what's the deal? Family stresses, major work stresses. But I used to be able to handle anything and now I am a partially functional wuss.