Hello and welcome.

I can feel the care for your friend in your words, in that contain worry, frustration and downright anger...anger at this diagnosis. I read those things in your words.

The things I say here are my own specific views and opinions based on my own observations, learning and experiences.

I do have to say that you may be spot on in some things, yes, but I feel that you should be angry at this situation and not this diagnosis.

Anything and everything you've said above could be said about almost *any* mental, physical or emotional illness...not just DID. So while I appreciate that in your specific case it's DID that you're upset about, the bottom-line is the illness, I feel.

The situation your friend is in is a difficult one. I'm the DID'er and I've been in your friend's situation for my entire life, including my childhood. My mother's diagnosis is not DID, by the way.

Yes, I'm one that views DID as a mixed gift. I'm sure it's been a source of confusion and frustration in the life of my loved ones, but I can guarantee you that no one has taken care of me, that I've ruined no one's life, etc. I've been the caretaker for my entire life. There again, I think you might be frustrated at your friend's specific situation wherein the mother "just happens to be DID". There again, it could've been any diagnosis as most DID'ers I know are on the higher end of functioning.

It's extremely sad, the situation you've described here and I so feel for your friend. I've been there. I had to break away. Your friend will have to as well.

If she's an adult, only she can map the course for her own life, set boundaries that she won't allow to be crossed and realize her own limitations. Is that incredibly hard to do with an ill parent? ABSOLUTELY. Can it be done? YES. I feel your friend needs to be in therapy. I pray she will do this for herself...to move forward in her own life.

If her mother needs as much assistance as you describe, can they contact outside resources to help? Would other family members jump in when given no choice but to help if your friend begins making boundaries and doing self-care?

I understand that it's a difficult situation, but if you friend is an adult, SHE DOES HAVE CHOICES. The choices might not be pleasant, but there are choices. Is she making the most of those choices in the given situation? Is she uses all resources available to her mother?

There is alot of help out there, and basically your friend has to decide, sooner or later, how much of her life she's going to continue giving up...despite the feared cost. I lived 30 years continuing to act, do and be based on some of those same fear, and guess what? When I did do something about it, the world didn't swallow me up whole and the sky didn't fall on my or my mother's head. She survived. I survived.

Again, I know it's hard because I've been there and I'm the DID'er. Again, your statements could be made generally about any significant mental, medical or emotional illness. Again, the situation is one your friend is choosing whether or not she feels she has good choices. Again, this entire dynamic can be heard in so many situations across the board...even in those families where there aren't significant illnesses, but boundary issues.

I hope that your friend will come by. There's alot of support here to be had for her. She not only has the right to live her own life, but the responsibility to do so...to herself and her mother.

You didn't upset me at all so no worries. I understand that it's an illness your angered at due to your extreme care. I have a concern that you'd specifically blame DID in a generalizing way, when it's the specific situation, but that's OK. But, because you have, I needed to share my understanding, knowledge and experience as well.

Be angry at the situation, be angry that abuse and illness even exist, put the focus on that anger in helping your friend LIVE.

With respect,

KD