((((Miss Charlotte))))

I'm sorry this is so hard. You've done a great job so far, and you're *almost* there.

I also wanted to try to answer your question...of why?
For me, it often helps to understand what I'm going through.

Perhaps you are experiencing 'cognitive dissonance'.
A strong relationship with T is so important for healing. But, at the same time there is the question of whether T will come back. Part of you wants to be close to T, the other part wants to protect yourself from being hurt if T doesn't come back.

If that doesn't help, please ignore and just accept my many, many