Hi everyone,

I realize it's been a long, long time since I've posted. I've been very busy with the transition back to college, being my final year and all.

But now I've been dealt a final crushing blow from which I don't know I can recover. The girl I've been in love with for a really long time, who recently told me she was attracted to me and has seriously considered a relationship with me has shot me down. While this may seem trivial to some of you, perhaps even petty, this is a final blow I don't think I can handle.

I realize this should be under SI, but I'm too distraught to make more than one post. TRIGGER Never before in these past four years has the urge to slit my wrists again been so unbearably powerful. This isn't some stupid emo reaction to losing a possible love-interest. I can't stand the disappointment anymore. All my life has dealt me is abandonment, disappointment, loss, pain, loneliness, nd heartbreak. For once in my entire pathetic life, I felt like I finally had the hopes of being in a relationship with someone; those hopes are gone. Nothing matters right now. My mom is dead; my mentor has abandoned me; I'm stuck alone at college with an absolutely enormous workload to try to manage; I can't see my therapist anytime soon; I can't go to the hospital because I have no insurance; I can't talk to my dad because he'll just yell at me and tell me how f'ing stupid I'm being; I just want to wither away.

Maybe I deserve this pain. That's the only explanation I can hatch up. There's no reason for a person to suffer loss after loss after loss other than deserving this seemingly divine punishment. I am the wretched and accursed soul damned to walk in the valley of darkness for all eternity. If there is a hell, I'm convinced I've found it. Nothing matters anymore.

I'm just ranting now. If any of you care to reply, be my guest. Yes, this is a cry for help, but I don't expect it to be answered. None of you even know who I am. Would it even matter if I were to suddenly disappear from the face of this pathetic planet? I am so alone...

If you've read this far, I commend you for putting up with my infantile bullcrap.

J