Wow spottedowl, Now you've given me something to think about!

You know I was just upstairs reading some old journals from as far back as 2004 when I first started with this T. What I noticed was how much angrier I was then, how much I've learnt to use anger and guilt as a tool. That my anger and acting out back then didn't bring T back and it won't today either, BUT the important thing to know is that I dont need to control just-one-person today like that, I did once, my world was just my adoptive mother, it was live or death to me then that I get to believe that I can control her enought to give me what I need, but thats all it was, an illusion. I felt good reading those old journals, I got to see that at least my anger has eased over the yrs, that I do tolerate feelings of fear a lot better. I did cringe at how I have used anger and guilt as a tool to get what i want, but I also forgave myself immediately as we learn what we learn as children. But why does it feel like a loss to let go dysfunction? It feels empty and for a moment I wondered what will become of me if I stop manipulations and acting out? But then a sort of calm came over me that said, this is what replaces those ways of being.

Sorry I think I've rambled a bit there, but your post gives me something to go think on, thanks!