Today I had a "Tea Date" with a former T (2 T's ago). It was so good to see her. Well, it is a mix, too. I want to draw up one of those colums : PROS.... CONS because there are items in both. I really really loved her when i was with her and thought I'd be **devastated** to ever not work with her. But it turns out that change was good and i am really in a better working relationship now because I don't see this current T as my "I wish this were my ________ (aunt, family, mom)."
But T was Soooooooooooooooooooooo happy to see me, she cried!! She hugged me forever and when we sat down she could hardly keep tears back. I didn't know i was so loved. She reached out for my hand and we just looked at each other for a long minute. (which also tells me how far I have come, to allow eye contact for a minute with strong emotions). We caught each other up on our lives and families, and then she turned her entire focus on me (which in the past I've cringed from). But I was able to talk and in a public place, too. Some of that reminded me why I didn't work with her any more.... some of the system was starting to growl... I was able to calm them (also new in this situation). She still wants to be a part of my life and support.... I am not sure how i feel about that. I am glad she cares so much, and yet I don't want her to... and that feels sort of odd, like I am betraying her.

Now I know, T and Client are not to have relations of any sort during or after therapy. I think in this State tho, there is a 3 year rule on that, then all is free game. I am still at year 2. I'm not sure what I am trying to say here... I'm not asking for anything - just merely processing the day and the mixed emotions of both being so loved and cared for, and also having some old discomforts. Writing and sharing helps me process it deeper and understand greater patterns.

One thing I did process today with her was this whole "cleaning my room" thing and was able to (once again remember) see why I am so hesitant. The clutter here acts as a barrier to keep me safe from mom. Since mom has no boundaries I do not feel safe. There are a lot of items hid here by the clutter that I do not want her to find or see and she would freely enter my room whenever she pleased. So at this point, I really don't think it fair of me to ask the alters to clean because it would be taking down their last defense.

Anyway, thanks for allowing the space =) kiya