Hi Heidu,

Just want to give a strong and warm hug, hope it reaches you and finds you in better and lighter spirit by now.. I know you've got your own way of working things out, and you don't need nobody to tell you what to do.. But it's so good that you've been keeping your mind and heart open, you deserve all nice things I can name that a woman should have...

Heidu, I have a lot of thoughts going on in my mind after reading your posts, I really want to share with you, but fear that I might not fully understand your situation, in terms of what's really going on with you and your hubby, how do you spend your time each day, etc...... It sounds to me that your marriage life isn't very pleasing, he seems a little selfish and not care for you much. I'm sorry if I get it wrong, I don't mean to offend neither of you. It gets me to think how much a woman can and should trust her man, how much does his reliability may alter... if we only talk about love relationships, I think that even we've found the other 1/2 and two become one, there are still many things we need to keep for ourselves, I wondered if this is selfishness, but more and more I think it is not at all. I will using "I" to speak, but I think what I will say really does apply to everyone, men, women... I always feel I can't be truly feeling happy for others unless I get my own stuff together. Unconditional love, I don't believe in it, except our Lord's broad heart and His love to all His children... I feel your hubby hasn't given equal amount of input to the relationship, but you have accepted it because you love him, yet your generous tolerance isn't appreicated. It's tough, I can imagine if I were in your position, how I would react... Anyway, maybe I would be even weaker than you. Women! Are we too kind to them sometimes? (Sorry Gentlemen here, I don't mean to offend ya'll)... Heidu, I'm really wondering if all these your feelings have to do with him... As I said, I really am not sure, but I just got this impression (PM me if you don't feel comfortable to talk about this too much publicly).

I think your feeling towards the appearance is more like a "byproduct" of your overall bad feelings. Being away from family and friends, new surroundings, different language, and difficulties in commucating with your loved one... shoot, that's a lot to deal with... girl... you are really something... I wouldn't do as half well as you've done....

Another thing is about your confidence. I think confidence is something can be strengthened if encouragement, faith and belief is presented by others, especially by the loved ones. Do you get enough from him, since he is the closest you've got in Norway? If not, that's probably why you feel troubled with going out, seeing people etc. You know sometimes how we feel has a lot to do with who we're with. I'm not saying he is definitely the cause, only you can tell. We all need to feel important, needed, liked, appreciated, loved... You don't seem you've received enough, but you have given a lot more...

Talking about being on your own. I always feel I have to be on my own, myself is what all I got regardless of what should happen to me. As long as I keep myself survived, I'm ok and I will rise up where I fall. Talk to your inner self when you are alone, or feel lonely even with others. It's better than running around crazily and looking for people to talk to. I tried that before, but it often made me feel worse, cause when I need to talk, others may not in the same timing, not that they don't care sometimes. So, more and more I realize myself is what I have for permanent, no tricks, no betrayals, no time limits... Heidu, I know this may not work everytime, after all we need human contacts. I always look for people worth to talk, but I also learnt not to expect too much from others, however, in giving, I use all my heart. I guess I'm really going on to the trust issue now I have to confess that this issue still causes big confusion in my life. In the giving I just talked about, the trust is given by me, and it goes to me too. But should I trust that others would do the same in return? No, I can't. Although I consider everyone has a good nature which God has meant for everyone to have originally, but if they screw up, then I would just walk away, no time for BS. I learnt in a hard way, either have given trust to wrong ones or failed to give enough to the right ones... "what the hell was wrong?"-- that's what I want to scream out load... But nothing is too late, I learnt something for good. Heidu, there are lots of fine men out there, and many of them worth of our trust, just have to mind when to give, and when to withdraw...

Hey, Heidu, sweetie, I know I'm not really talking much sense, ignore them if they mean little to you, ok?... Do you plan to go back to the States? What do you see your life is gonna be in two yrs from now? I have worries about you after knowing your feelings and situation. Please take care for now, ok?

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.