affect (noun) has to do with feelings. derived word affection. affectation (pretending). schizo-affective disorder. a doctor might write about your affect in his notes.
affect (verb) has to do with change of state or mood. "he affects the way i feel when he opens car doors for me." you can't use affect about an inanimate object because it has no feelings.

effect (noun) the opposite of cause. an end-result. some thing that produces a desired result is effective. "the effect of gamma rays on man-in-the-moon marigolds."
effect (verb) produces a result. "obama's speech excites people and therefore effects voter turnout."
effectuate-produce a specific result.
i hope i haven't bored you to death, kimmy. that would effect your health. and change your affect.
-pi