((ktgirl)) I appriate your response. Some place deep inside of me I know T didn't lie, well not in the way I seem to feel she lied. I know this is a trigger for me because my anger is raging without any real valid reason.

Its like I'm scared to admit whats really angering me?, I'm scared to admit that I wanted T to express more need for me then what she did. But if she did that really, I'd proberbly feel kinda of freaked out. But its someplace inside my mind that wants something so much more, unyet its clashing with my adult self and its causing such inner war!!

I mean what did I really want? T to have written back "dear Mouse I miss you soo much, all I can do is think about you"? %#@&#! I'd run a mile if she did that, unyet I think this person inside me was expecting that?? I need to take control of the reigns here, this child inside of me is killing me!!

Perhaps this about the confirmation I wanted/needed as a child when I found I was adopted and needed to know that my adoption wasn't a mistake? that my adoptive mother really truely wanted me? that she wouldn't do what one mother already had done? and the only thing that a 5 yr old could see as permenant was someones undying love for me? which I never got, never got a "yes you were wanted speech", just got a "your lucky we got you, you could have ended up in a childrens home",

No ones going to give me that security now are they, not the way I needed it back then, its now, i'm 46, T is giving me the best an adult can give to another, I've got to get used to that, face my demons, what demons? the demons that were always terrified of being given away AGAIN! get over it "mouse" %#@&#! get over it!