I must be in the mood for controversy!

The "my psychiatrist kissed me" thread brought up the question of touch in therapy....which is a timely topic for me today, because T hugged me for the first time at the end of my session yesterday.

T and I DO touch - as a way to help me get grounded, and as a way to connect.

Yesterday in my session, we went deeper into trauma work than we ever have - WAY deeper. It was a 90 minute session, and it was just big, and hard. T sat with me and held my hands during the entire appointment. If he wasn't sitting there with me, grounding me, helping me feel safe, helping me to not feel alone, I don't think I could have done the work. There were so many flashbacks and I was so in and out of the present, that I think I would have been too scared and had to find a way to quit - or I would have just dissociated, and that would be that. It made me think that touch might be helpful in trauma work, in general. It wouldn't have been for me at the beginning of therapy....but I couldn't have done this kind of work at the beginning of therapy either. Over the course of my therapy, we've built the trust and the comfort with touch, and I think that's the only way I could do what I did yesterday.

At the end of the session, I felt really scared, heading back out into the world. I was afraid of what would happen if the flashbacks came back, and I was afraid I would look back at the session and worry about various things. T asked me "do you want a hug?" and I did, so he gave me one. It is really useful to me to be able to look back at the session and remember that symbol of our deep connection. It grounds me, and gives me something to hang on to besides the gut-wrenching intensity of the rest of the session.

Oh - and as I've mentioned before, I did have an adult male counselor cross the boundaries in the biggest possible way when I was a teen, so I know the value of boundaries, and I am grateful for them. I never thought I would feel safe enough to share a hug with a male therapist - EVER - and in a way the hug yesterday feels kind of like a symbol of some healing taking place. That feels good.