Mouse,
Thank you so much for sharing all this. As the mother of two girls who we adopted I find it very helpful to read about how you wish your a-mom had dealt with telling you. My girls were older but I still have sat with them and tried to comfort them. Their biological parents were not able to be the kind of parents they needed so we were given that blessing.

It has has some healing effects for me as well. I was not given to be adopted I was kept and neglected and abused by my mother. She did the best she could but... well, she was not able to be the parent I needed. So I am working at reparenting myself.

Good insights Mouse, seeing the problem clearly opens the door to finding ways to heal.