So i'm home from university now for the next three weeks, and though it's good to get away from the academic pressures of university, i still have pressures at home as well. Basically I am not doing as well as I should at uni because of my depression but though I have told my dad a little about my depression, he doesn't know that I am struggling to complete university work due to lack of motivation - he believes that depression can be overcome by "positive thinking" so if i think positive thoughts, everything should be ok, eh? He wants me to be one of the best students there, with the best marks, to be better than other students, etc. Good thing is that I am good at my languages, so I do well - just at the moment, my work doesnt reflect my ability because I can't be bothered and don't have the concentration to spend a long time on it. But my dad wants to hear that I am doing well and asks me lots of questions about how I am doing and how I am compared to other students, and I am constantly nervous around him in case he asks something that throws me off-guard and shows that I am not doing as well as I say. So it's not a particularly relaxing time, being at home.

Also at home the computer I use is in the main family room so I can't come on this site or the other site I mod when he is in the same room because they are both depression sites and he doesn't use the internet much so I don't think he would understand the use of this site. I dont want to show him the forums since I dont think he would be impressed that I am visiting a mental health site. Also I like to keep what i read on this site and my replies private. So I am always listening out for what he is doing around the house and ready to switch to a 'suitable' site (French news, at the moment) in case he comes into the room suddenly.

Not only can I not spend as much time on the internet, but I also can't read the books I love to read either. My dad believes that in doing activities such as reading books, you should learn things from them. The same applies to the TV. So I love reading fantasy books and other fiction books (I love fiction) but he prefers non-fiction, and I can't read the books I like (especially fantasy) in his presence since he would describe them as 'junk' or 'rubbish' and something along the lines of since I am a university student, I shouldn't be reading such 'trivia' or 'children's stories' (ok I like reading children's stories too, but he thinks Tolkien's Lord of the Rings is a children's story too). If I did try reading them in public I would feel guilty and wouldn't be able to concentrate on them properly. He would prefer that I read non-fiction, and though I agree that non-fiction is far more useful to my life than fiction, I do find a lot of it quite boring, and I find reading fiction relaxes me and allows me to escape from the guilty feelings etc, that I mentioned before. For example, he would like that I continue reading a book about the history of the Zulus in South Africa, and though I did find the book interesting when I started reading it at Christmas, I would rather read one of my favourite fiction books. I think limiting my time to reading late at night (from 10-11pm onwards) doesn't help me much since I spend a lot of my time when in the house bored because I am missing reading my books and wishing that I could read them without feeling stupid for reading them.

Anyway, I am sorry this is so long. It just makes me feel better writing it all out,knowing that somebody else will read it (hopefully!) lol. Thanks for letting me complain .