Internettie, I think you make a lot of really good points--completely understandable. I do not think you should go back to group until this has been resolved. You need to meet with your T alone, or have a meeting with the T and J, or whatever the solution will be. There is too much vulnerability to going back to group before this has been sorted out. Please do not feel obligated to go. You can skip a group session, get this resolved, then decide whether you will go back or not. Although it's no excuse, maybe it's harder for your T to respond right now because it is a holiday weekend (if you are in the U.S.).

Good point, the T does seem ill prepared. I wonder if this is her first DBT group? I have not been in group therapy before, but I have certainly worked many times in groups with complicated structures and stakeholders with different perspectives. One of the things we do at the beginning of the groups is called "norm setting." The group members decide on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior for the group and come up with a list. Then as the group proceeds, and the norms are not being followed, the group can monitor itself be returning to the norms. "We agreed that insulting comments would not be allowed and that is not happening here. Let's get back on track. No more of that." That way the group can help police itself. (That in no way excuses your therapist from not having a role too.) I guess I just find it surprising a group therapy group would not also do its own version of norm-setting. Without norms, it seems groups with members in need of DBT could deteriorate into free-for-alls where anything goes.

I think also the therapist needs to take a good look at people before inviting them to join a group. A person needs to be ready for group therapy, able to function at a minimum level with others, in order to be included. Perhaps J has not reached that level yet and needs more individual therapy before she should be allowed to join a group.