damaged forever... for all of my life...

I pray... that you all will just let me express my pain... it has to go somewhere.... I can't "hold" it right now... it is overwhelming to me right now...

I am tired... I have almost made it thru the weekend... I asked myselves.. "did we have any fun, any joy, any contentment... any anything"...

and the answer is no..

I have struggled... for a long time now... about therapy... and the T's firm conviction that I can be "fixed"...

Wow.. I have heard that for 23 years... and yet... here I am.. struggling.. and struggling...

I am tired of being DID....I am tired.. of having an eating disorder.. and I am very tired of having alters that have OCD....

I think... the "capper".... for me.. has been my therapist.... the last 2 sessions... he left his cell phone on - and it rang.. it just hit me like a ton of bricks... wow... I am not even worth 45 minutes of... uninterrupted.. time.... we almost had to peel me off the ceiling.. it scared me so bad...

My alters made a pact... we are working on it.. now.. as I write this... in two.. months time.. we simply... will not be on this earth..

We are getting "affairs" in order... for our son...

We... went thru.. so many funerals... 8 in 2 years.. and settling the estates... saddened us so greatly..

These.. men.. women.. in their 80's.. 90's... and the stuff.. all the stuff.. to be sorted.. to be cleaned.. to be gone thru... Goodwill.. Salvation army... dumpsters... gifting to the needy...the legal papers... the titles to vechicles.. to be found... the World War vets - their flags.. the taps.. at the funerals.... looking at them... so so so old....

We.. just cannot bear our son.. to have to do that with our estate..

You know.. we would say my father.. my pedophile.. and my ex-husband...finally, finally won... because we give up.... but... it just really doesn't matter anymore....

They all took my life... many years ago.... so.. they had already won - I just didn't know it..