I'm beggiining to think this is all my fault... that it's all in my head. That I don't deserve my great parents.

My mom... was always very emtional. As a young child, I can remember her saying, you have to love yourself first... but I never got it. She was always hanging over me. When she said I love you, I didn't care. A hug was an uncomfortable squeeze. Affection, love... I just don't get it. I never did. She would always tell me all her troubles and I quickly became her "best friend" at the age of 8. Whenever I did something she didn't like, she would yell and scream at me... but it's still my fault.

My dad was always gone on buisness trips. I didn't actually meet him properly until I was about 6. I also, never attached to him. He was an agry, brooding sort of person, that was quick to point the finger of blame at someone else. He didn't talk much, and he didn't show affection... the way I preferred it, but at the same time it made me a little sad. When I got older, he used to yell at me, and call me names, and swear. My grades were good, I didn't complain, I was just too emtional, and a girl. I often remember hiding, hoping that he wouldn't hit me. Not that I ever remember him hitting me, It's just a feeling.

My brother was happy and sociable. He had lots of friends, and lots of parties, and played sports. Matthew was their "perfect child". He was also a boy. While I had no friends, no extra-curricular activities. I was hard to raise, and I just didn't understand why my life sucked. I didn't understand why I didn't "fit in". Later, though, when my brother was attending university, he got the same treatment, of having nothing good said to you, of not being appreciated.

By the age of 9, I was beggining to suspect anyone and everyone. I trusted nobody. Anybody could hurt me. Everything anybody said had an underlineing meaning for me. I guess it was my way of dealing.

But it's my fault, that this happened, because they were good parents too. They laughed, and said I love you, but I never felt they cared. Their negative actions just stuck so clearly for me. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I just couldn't do better. That I'm even posting this. That I suck in so many ways! That I couldn't just be a normal kid! That I'm a girl.

Thank-you.