I've been trying to recover from my self-injury since may now, and doing quite a good job of it since ( - Its really DOES get easier as time goes by for those who dont believe this!) - The reason why i wanted to stop was because of my boyfriends. I knew if it carried on like that then we wouldnt be together much longer, and realised that the more I hurt myself the more I hurt him. So I tried, relapsed, then picked myself back up again and continued to fight it. The thing is, I know its been 16 weeks into it, but I still get triggered really easily - the sight of blood, holding knives/using sissors, I still even get jealous when I see other people with scars because I know mine are fading. I had to cut some chicken strips up the other day for him and again, I couldnt do it, it just remended me so much of cutting into my own flesh - and he understood this, didnt say anything and did it himself.

Last night however, he put on I think it was this tribal/war programme or whatever, and about a minute into it it showed really disturbing images of people who had their backs slashed with machetes and really deep cuts which were sickening, and he was just there watching along and thinking nothing of it. After a few seconds I went, 'Phil, please, turn it over..' and turned my head away from the tele.

He didnt say anything. He just put the remote down and carried on watching it.

After a minute or two Id had enough and went to leave the room, I stood up and he was like, 'is there something wrong?' like he actually didnt realise what he'd done and I just went, 'for god's sake, you know I cant stand it, you know it triggers me, I cant bare looking at images like that its just ... NOT happening...'

...and left the room to get a drink, and to take a bit of a breather.

No sorry's or anything when I returned, in fact, he was smirking. He changed channels though, and nothing was said that night and I was yet again trying to fight the pain and the great urge not to in silence.

Its really affected me, but I know I cant say anything to him because he'll go mad

babyg - x