I don't know anymore. I used to speculate back and forth about what my feelings might be, but I got lost somewhere, and now I can't find any answers anywhere.

See, I'm in a state of "hate" half the time, usually half of my day has to do with me holding back violent thoughts and feeling hate towards everything. I tried to use the word "anger" to describe how I feel, but it doesn't exactly fit to what I feel, so I just call it hate. I don't know when it started, I don't know why it's here, and now I don't know what it could be generalized into.

My hate is pretty intense. I just hate everything. I don't want to indulge in pleasurable activities, I don't want to make friends, I don't want happiness. All I want is to get on with my life, and make everyone else happy... But when I see people faring better than me AND enjoying the pleasures of life (which I'm guessing I'm biologically incapable of feeling), it fuels my hatred. I oftentimes get homicidal thoughts, thinking on how I would react if someone made fun of me for not enjoying life, which always ends up in someone being murdered by me. I also have suicidal thoughts, but they're not actually bent on ending my life -- I get them when I'm losing control, and I want to either go unconscious and let it all pass by, or survive and end up in the hospital, under the care of doctors and nurses that might be able to aid me in my problems.

Yes, I'm seeing a therapist and I got an appointment with a psychiatrist for the 23rd of this month, but the question will always be there... Why do I feel this way? I used to associate it with depression, anxiety, ADHD (I have it), and even panic attacks (which I get)... Put the longer I feel these feelings, I lose all track of what I was speculating.

So, my question: Could my hate be considered depression, anxiety, stress...? According to you, in your own personal opinion. All I need is your opinions. Thanks!

PS: I'm forgetting to write a few things, but I'm fearing that someone will enter this room and read what I'm writing, and the last thing I need is someone I know to learn about my problems.