Wow, thats quite á bit of writing... I feel special someone wrote that much for me.

I've never been hospitalized for longer than an hour. Last time I was in a hospital for my own sake was when my brother threw me a sunblock bottle and broke my head in the middle of a fight we were having (which, as fate may have it, I forgot all about it), so I had to get a number of stitches... But that was a LONG time ago, and I consider it stupid sibling fights.

Yeah, I try to keep my anger inside me 'cause I fear that if I release it, I'll release a life's worth of hatred unto whoever forced me to lose control and end up in jail and my future ruined... The only moments I will allow myself to lose control are when I'm attacked/mugged (which I will resort to extreme physical means, since I have a valid excuse for whatever I'll do), and uncalled-for verbal assault (which I will resort to my own version of verbal assault, which is a barrage of psychological warfare rather than insults and the breaking of objects). Other than that, I tend to hold my anger in when it mixes with my hate. When it doesn't, I simply express it like a normal human being does: with harmless frustration and lots of sighing.

I know it's unhealthy to be full of these emotions all the time, but it's not something I can turn on and off. It's always there, growing, feeding off of anything and everything, clawing at my insides, trying to find a way out in which it can express its massive loathe to the world around it... Sometimes it gets so incredibly overwhelming that my hands tremble and I cry silently because I can't find a worthy outlet for my hate, and at other times I get urges to bash my head as hard as possible against a wall in order to lose consciousness.

I can't find the reason for this, and I can't remember the first time I felt this way. I've pushed away all pleasure-inducing activities, from playing games alone, to falling in love, to sex itself, because I find it difficult to get these feelings out of my way. Hopefully I'll fix this problem ASAP and be able to improve my life quality, along with the other episodes I experience that I haven't found explanation for.

Thanks for the message, Junerain! I hope you, too, find and stem the root of your suffering from your body.