Hi everyone. I was diagnosed this past Thursday (8/28/08) with cyclothymia. Prior to that, I had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and the psych put me on 60 mg of cymbalta with 12.5 mg of Ambien CR to help me sleep. Now, with the new diagnosis, the psych has added Lamictal to the mix--we're starting with 25mg and will slowly build the dose to avoid side affects.

Somehow, I didn't feel like I fit in with the description of MDD. But, I've been to 5 specialists in the last year, each not finding a reason for my problem of possible seizures and referring to the next specialist. This psych was the last referral. Although, I wasn't sure of his initial diagnosis, I feel he's nailed my problems with his new diagnosis of Cyclothymia.

The past few weeks, my moods would switch from high to low in the same day or within a few days. Lately, I would switch from low to high to low within the same day everyday and my anxiety level can get very high. My high moods were very irritable and agitated, at times even angry. I would get frightened during the lows because dark thoughts had been getting darker with time and the last few weeks I have wanted to end my life and last weekend, I knew where and how. That is why I went to the psych this past Thursday for an emergency visit & asked my husband to come with me so he could ask questions or answer some maybe I couldn't.

It's hard sometimes to realize some of my behavior or feelings aren't normal reactions to everyday type problems or circumstances. Until recently, I have had my emotions so tightly reined in and been in pretty good control most of the time. I've kept myself reined in since childhood after getting smacked or spanked for having a smart mouth. No one taught me encouraged me to express opposing opinions with my parents without being disrespectful. I was not allowed to question my parents' decisions. (I have made sure to teach my kids how to express their disagreements, sometimes with highly charged emotions, while staying respectful.) I guess I have been a time bomb waiting to explode.

At 56, it is VERY hard to accept that my lifetime feelings of somehow not totally fitting in with the general population, epecially as I've gotten older, now have a definite REASON. I've shied away from social situations and even having close friends. Except for my husband and children, my relationships are, for the most part,on the level of aquaintances. I guess I've instinctively kept myself isolated to avoid inevitably encountering situations which would trigger unacceptable behavior.

Until now, I guess I have hidden myself successfully, even from MYSELF!

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. I feel confused about everything at this time (although I am experiencing a wonderful happy high right now and in the back of my mind I know the awful night will fall again).