Hi Heidu,

Frankly, one voice was shouting at my back when I read your reply-- "Why don't you leave him?"... I'm sure you've heard people saying this more than a million times, and I guess you'd already asked yourself the very question from time to time as well. BUT IT'S HARD TO DO, I know. Love relationships, especially with marriage done... there is a tough decision to make. But girl, you are not the only one encounters this, so don't feel like you're fighting alone. I can easily give you about ten people around me who are trapped in this dilemma. Although I'm not married yet, but believe me, I know how it is.

Anyway, I really wanted to ask you have you tried hard enough in talking with him? I mean serious talks, fully expressing yourself without considering how he would feel? (It sounds to me his feelings really need to be ignored a little, for he's got too much before) It's important to let him know what's going on in your head. I know some men treasure their little manhood more than life. Ignore this and all his judgementality, just be yourself regardless. It's like when we fight to a form of force, in order to win we need to bring in more powerful force. But you can do it in soft and gentle ways, reminds me so much of the power of water... OK, sorry I don't mean to advocate war between family members, and it's definitely not a competition between couples... It's just a way of making a breakthough in solving a problem. What I meant was that you need to get your feelings and views being recognised. And your value is definitely not only depending on what job you do, or if you have one or not. So what, if you don't have one... I think he has a problem with secuirity issue himself, not you... Why do you take blames on yourself... Neither of you should take the blames, nor should you blame on each other. I feel you are still very much in love with him, he is the same but also very confused. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe he is feeling something similar to you, doesn't know what to do to change...

Heidu, a direct approch is always the best, I think so. Be honest with your feelings, with him and tell him you need him to be the same. Talk everything over, then you will see something taking shape, and you will be able to make a decision from there. We got to live our life for ourself first, right? (is this selfishness? don't mean to mislead you..)

Another thing I've noticed is what you said about his willingness to fulfill your needs, you said he wanted to but didn't know how. Does it occur to you that maybe he has tried (hard enough, so he feels) to do everything he could but wasn't recogised by you? For example, you said he is supportive when you do things he thinks right. But, aren't you the same? You expect him to do something for you that you feel comfortable with, but will these things bring comfort to him? ... Compromise... What a tough thing...

Sorry, Heidu, I feel I'm giving you a viewpoint which goes in a circle, it's goes back to where it starts. Not helping you at all... I just want to remind you how a sensible communication matters in relationships, and I'm sure you know far better than I do. But sometimes you might get tired of each other, and you don't even want to try any more. It's not a good tendency, you know. Please try with him again, I think he should understand and work with you, since I feel he loves you dearly...

Don't give up yet, girl... If after all your trying and efforts (I know you've already done much, no doubt about that), things still don't work out, or everything fades away, you still have yourself, the most beautiful thing... Then you will have an ever new starting point from where you know you can do anything, be anything, with greatness and shining smiles showing to this world... Nothing is too late, baby...

It is much easier to fall in love than getting along... It takes some honest hard work and genuine care to make relationships last and grow stronger...

I'm glad to know you're much better... Suicide? Don't ever think it's an option again, ever, ok? No matter what had happened, or what triggered your to have that thought, please drop it completely. I was once suicidal, and now realize that is not a solution at all. I know you are a strong girl, I have faith in you... ((((((((Heidu)))))))))))))

Somewhere safe... I can relate... But Heidu, try to create this land in your heart first... We can never feel peaceful when we have those little demons disturbing us, right? I know you don't have a clear idea with what you want to do, just don't rush to make any choice yet. Maybe start from noticing little things to cheer yourself up. I really mean to ignore how you should react to his views over you and your actions if they had caused you feeling terrible. Do what you think is right, and keep it going...

I don't expect you to feel " a lot" better in a short time, but try it little by little. I'm here if you need anything... You are an important one to us here...

((((((((((((((more hugs come your way))))))))))))))))

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.