Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been around recently, been trying in vain to recover, but not doing so well..

One of my closest friends died on Saturday night, I woke up to a phonecall telling me on Sunday afternoon, after being in hospital all night Satruday until 9am Sunday morning.

So, I've just not been eating well at all because every time I eat I just feel sick.. I'm stuck at one small thing a day. I can barely drink anything and the weight is slipping off me quite quickly because of all of the stress.. It's bringing me back to my old ways.. But this is not what my friend would have wanted, but I can't go to the funeral now because it's too far away, so that's upset me even more

I feel so guilty for this.. Because I was in hospital when she would have been.. When she'd have been dying.. I'd have been in hospital for trying to kill myself.. That's awful, how selfish is that when she was dying?

And now to not be eating when I know she'd want me to be eating.. But I just feel sick every time, because of the depression I guess.. I wish I could do what she'd want me to do, but right now.. I'm just so.. Lost without her, she was always there for me, always knew how to help.. I helped her, too, when she wanted the help.. I just want to have her look down on me and feel that I am appreciative of her help and that I have taken her advice..

But.. At this moment in time, I'm just not ready.. I need to get over her death and the only way I can properly do that is by going to her funeral.. This is going to be the 4th funeral I haven't made it to, if you include my Dad's when I was 3.. And I just know that I'll regret it, but I'm stuck for what to do because I just can't get there.. It sucks so much..

Any advice on what to do with the eating side of this?

Thanks in advance for any replies

xxKirstenxx