i think i used the trigger icon right but warning this may trigger.

ok, i am almost afraid to post in here. i don't know if i am did, but from everything i have read and heard lately i am starting to wonder. would like some impute from someone who knows.

to start with, i am 44 and up till 2 years ago i would have told you that i had a very lucky and charmed life. parents divorced when i was to young to remember, but we always lived with or near grandparents. i am the youngest of 4. they are all 14 months apart each and i am 5 years younger than the youngest. i was spoiled by everyone in my life. at 14 mother got tired of being a mother so she sent me to live with my daddy. daddy and i have joked about the fact that she just couldn't handle me anymore. at barely 18 i gave up on my childhood sweetheart and married someone else and got a short taste of the real world, hubby was abusive, his family didn't like me, or each other. they yelled and fought all the time. had a baby(she is a miracle for a different thread). stayed with him for 14 months and went home to daddy. started seeing childhood sweetheart again off and on for a few more years before we married and had 2 more babies, first one lived off and on with ex's parents but we had the perfect little family. he was hurt on the job when the youngest was not quite a year old so i went back to school and became the bread winner and all was right with the world.

sorry this was long and i am not done yet but that history was needed i think, and if this is in the wrong place mods please move it.

2 years ago, after working my way up to 1/4 partner in my job, life as i knew it ended.

i had been having problems with stress, and early agoraphobia, hubby had been doing everyting he could to try to help me cope. i was fired for trumped up reasons, sued on trumped up bs and even threatened with being put in jail by someone i thought i could trust as a friend and partner. i basically had a nervous breakdown, became increasingly agoraphobic to the point of total housebound suffering from panic attacks multiple times a day.

that is when the flashes started. at first they were just flashes of feelings that triggered panic. then they started having some sound and visuals with them. mostly of childhood SA by my stepfather, some of my relationship with my first hubby.

i have voices in my head. they are not schitsophrenic voices that talk to me. they are more like sitting in a crowded resteraunt. people talking, fighting, laughing all together. i tryh to block them out and not hear them, occasionally i will try to tune in and hear what they are saying, sometimes they are talking about me sometimes they are talking aobut other people. i have missing time. the most disturbing is from when i went to live with my dad. i clearly remember being in the room with my stepfather(i was 14) and him starting to touch me. the next thing i remember is happily loading my carefully packed belongings in my fathers car. i have no idea how long a space is there.

in high school i would lose time mostly at school. not bad, an hour here or there, being in one class then magically being somewhere else. my middle daughter tells me i threw a can at her head one morning. i never even spanked my kids, it made me throw up. haven't had the nerve to ask the other 2 if i ever did anything like that to them but as close as we all are i would think not.

i am currently being treated for panic disorder with agoraphobia and ptsd because i actually remembered the incident with my stepfather the day of my first therapy session, early morning before i went to therapy. there is more from my work years, but i have already gone on forever.

i need opinions, or advice. haven't told therapist most of this, only the missing time when i was 14, haven't let her make em talk about it since.

i am very scared. someone please help.

lost