Jesus Christ, I have so many symptoms of things pointing to different mental illnesses, and some that triangulate to a specific illness. Those that I haven't been able to triangulate give me a sort of anxiety, but I always calm myself down by thinking "Heh, I'm ok! Nothing's wrong with me!", but after my therapist classified me as homicidal, I haven't been able to keep my experiences out of my mind!

I'm fearing having disorders that may have risks of inheritance, because that would mean that if I had a child, he would probably suffer the same as me, or worse. I also don't know how to act on or talk about my experiences, and whenever I try to recall them, it's like I have amnesia and I forget over half of the things I feel! I'm keeping a journal about the things I feel so I don't forget them, but there are other things that I experience that I can't remember long enough to write down... And I want to help myself out.

From "weird, curious dreams that lead to electric shocks right before sleeping", to "moments where reality seems to be distorting around me", to "having out-of-body experiences while fully awake", to "feeling hate all the time, and times of intense hatred towards everyone with no known trigger so far", to "short-term memory problems that keep affecting my school performance to the point where I get C's, D's and F's without really wanting to", I've felt a number of things, and even now I'm forgetting a lot (which doesn't matter, cuz I'm just giving examples)... I'm seeing a therapist and I have a session with a psychiatrist in 20 days exactly, but I want everything to hurry up and not take 2-3 years finding out what the ***** I have, so I can take this load off of my mind!

I don't have my iPod with me, so I can't listen to music to distract myself, so my thoughts are racing, and I'm imagining a future in which I can't live normally because of my symptoms worsening and still not finding a triangulation!

And now I need to get out of here and find my mom's car to drive me home, and I haven't finished ranting! I'll have this moment in my mind until I come back on the computer tomorrow... @_@ ;_;