Oh Blast!!! I wrote a long reply to you and it disappeared into the rotten ozone somewhere!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRR

I tried to show how I related to your story. I had a first version of my life and then eventually the actual version. As a small child I made up a better version of my life to cope with a pretty terrifying set of abusive events.

I went through satanic ritual abuse and other horrors and lots of abuse of all kinds. I too lost time by high school age. I performed pretty well in life but by age 18 I began to be physically ill from stress and off and on depression. By time I had children I was terrified someone would abuse them, but not sure why I was so scared for them. I got ill when I occasionally needed to spank them. I was gentle with them, but I too actually almost threw a can at my youngest when she was 7 and was being difficult. Thankfully I picked the can up and threw it into the door and left a big permanent mark there. I never before or after did that again and was horrified at myself. I struggled more each year I was alive. I was finally diagnosed - after several other diagnosis before (ptsd, depression, borderline...) just after my mom died suddenly after a short cancer illness. I went totally apart then and I fought the DID diagnosis for a long time which made it all so much worse. I finally stopped doing that and began to cooperate and be kind to my alts who had worked so hard to help me and gotten not much for all their work.

(I call my alts the "committee in my head who can't agree". I do hear them as background chat a lot of times or a random commenter who is usually saying something different from what I think up front in my mind. My sytem is complex and has all kinds of weird rules and ways of acting and is not at all visual, so I cant see them and therefore couldn't speak of them when i was little and the cult abusers were threatening to kill me in various horrid ways.) This is the added part

It certainly sounds like DID to me - but I'm no doctor. I hope you can gain the strenth to mention it to your counselor and see if you can get some real help to deal with what is going on in your life. Hang in there, Dear!

Leslie and the Pixies