Hi Lost, welcome here! While none of us can really diagnose what is going on with you, it seems we all have some similar things going on.

I can tell you that when I was diagnosed, I fought the diagnosis tooth and nail for a couple years before I exhausted all other possibilities. It was so scary for me to even consider that this is what I had.

Like you, I thought I had a pretty decent life. I was married to a wonderful man, I had two children, a home, etc. I didn't remember my childhood, but I reasoned with myself that it was ages ago, I was a child, no one remembers their childhood. I didn't remember a lot of my adult life, but I'm forgetful, weird, etc. Even without realizing it consciously, I had a reason and excuse for every behavior that I couldn't explain.

In the beginning, my awareness of life was so limited that I didn't even realize I was losing time. I think I just moved in and out of a dissociative state so much that even when present, I was never even fully present. Actually even now, when I am here, present and accounted for, I sit in the back of my head and watch a lot.

I liken the voices in my head to a crowd of people. For me, it's like standing off to the side of a crowd where they are all talking and you can hear them talking and even pick out a word here and there, but you can't really hear or follow the conversations (although when the namecalling starts, I hear a lot more words ). While I've always had that, I didn't even think to ask someone if they had it too. I didn't even really think about it, or a lot of things because I didn't have any reference to normalcy (and I didn't know those things weren't normal).

Then a lot of stuff happened in my life that disrupted everything I knew. I started to get these horrible flashbacks. I remember sitting in therapy once and I got one. I didn't even know what a flashback was until T told me what was going on. And I got a flood of flashbacks and still pictures. I can't tell you what they are now though because my brain pulled it all back behind the barrier again and I am only left with the knowledge that I had them, not their content.

It was surreal. How did I, with my decent life, have this running around inside?

While I had always reacted to things horribly, I reasoned everything so that it was normal reactions.

Now that I've accepted that I am DID, I realize how much it makes my life make sense.

It's a struggle for me daily, I'll admit it. I still have a lot of time that I cannot account for every day, though I am getting better at being a private detective.

If I could change one thing, it might be that I went to a therapist earlier, but in all honesty I don't think it was time for me earlier than when I went. My old therapist knew what was going on with me even though I didn't and sent me to the therapist I have now because he didn't know how to help me. But I wasn't even aware enough to know why he was sending me to her. I thought it was for a different reason and didn't find out until a few years later that it was because of the DID. She deals with DID and understands and has helped me immensely.

It might be that your therapist already knows what is going on for you. For me, I was the last to find out lol. My advice to you is to try to let your T know somehow what is going on for you. Perhaps you can print out what you wrote here and take it to your T and ask her to read it. I know it's scary. Phew! It took me over 3 years to talk to my current T even though I could never figure out how she had more information about me than I did. You might be surprised at what your T already knows. We have a lot of injunctions here, but there are creative ways that you can still get information to T.

I'm rattling on and on. I just wanted you to know that I understand your fears. No matter what is going on for you, your T can help you more if you tell her everything you can. I know that's hard though. It's a scary thought.

It might not be DID. It might not even be a dissociative disorder. But if it is, please know that it's not a death sentence. There are reasons for whatever is going on for you and knowing is not going to change who you are. It does, however, open the door to healing.

Please keep posting. We're glad you're here.
:Heart::Heart::Heart: