Hey Hey,
I guess one reason I don't talk about this stuff too much is either I am completely misunderstood or I just don't want to try to explain everything. I am well aware of my feelings and myself and what's going on. I understand the situation and have gone over things and analysed things and try to find solutions but I come up blank. I will go thru your post one by one and try to explain as best I can.

"why don't you leave him?" I tried. I worked very hard to get myself from the place of wanting to just kill myself or fall into the hole to a place where I want to live and want it too be different. I built myself up, I left him, I asked people for help, everyone I knew. I don't have an income, I needed a place to go to, I have no money for a plane ticket, I don't have anything but clothes and personal items and a few things that I brought with me. I asked for help to get back home, a place to stay until I could get a job and get a place of my own. I was ready, I did what I had to do and I got no help. Well a little, I was offered a place to stay but it was out in the country and an hours drive to any possible job opportunities. I had no car and I need a job to get that. That was the only person who offered me a place to stay. I was also offered to use a car temporarily with conditions that I would "succeed". That person and I do not agree on what success means so it would only cause problems. That was it. I didn't hear back form alot of people and the ones I did sent best wishes in hopes I could work out my marriage. It isn't so easy to leave when you have no where to go and no way to get there and your half the world away.

I do have the option of leaving him and staying here. I can go to the crisis center and then the norwegian government will support me until my residence permission runs out in January and then I am forced out of the country. My residence here for another year depends on my being married and living with my husband. I also would basically be alone in this country and I have already been thru that and I can't do it again.

As for the talking to him, you may have noticed I am pretty open and direct with my thoughts and feelings. I have talked to him and talk and talked. I've yelled, cried, screamed and said nothing. He doesn't get it or even attempt to until I yell or scream. By then it's too late for me. Believe me, I have tried everything. I even got him to go to counseling. Thats where I told him I was leaving him and the counselor agreed that was best.

I suggested going back to counseling but my husband wont because "the guy thinks you left me" and " you said you were leaving and he thought that was good". There isn't alot of options for counseling here mainly based on language but also price and I wont force him to go, it would do no good.

He does want to be good to me and he knows he doesnt really know how but he wont talk to anyone and when people have tried he gets defensive.

We have talked over everything and there has been changes but everything is such a struggle when you deal with someone who doesnt get it and doesnt want to put the effort in to try.

I know my value is not dependant on having a job but it would be nice and it is part of me feeling good about me. Making some money, contributing, making a difference every day.

I am not in love with him at all. I can't see how I could love a person who has treated me so badly and didn't care when he saw me falling apart.

What I meant by him being supportive, he is supportive when he wants to be and in some thing but if not he isnt just not supportive he says things that hurt my feelings and makes me feel bad.

When I had my foot surgery and could barely walk and was also suffering from severe depression I gained some weight. Most people would understand that is normal. When you cant walk and you feel really bad it's hard to lose weight. He is dissapointed in me because I gained weight. He told me that a number of times.

He should understand things and work with me but he doesn't. It's up to him if he wants to be different. I told him I want him to be himself, who he is but it is also my choice if he is not someone I want to be with. I don't. It's not just because he isn't the perfect man. He really was downright cruel to me the first year of our marriage. Later on he told me that he didnt want to get married but didnt want to hurt me and realizes now he's hurt me so much more.

One example is when we were first married he was layed off from work so there wasnt alot of money. I was fine with that even though it wasnt easy. He told me 3 times over a couple weeks that "I would be better off if you weren't here" That was all he said. When I finally said it was best for me to go then he said he just meant that if I wasnt here then there would be enough money for him to live on. There are hundreds of other things like that that he has said.

I never expected life or marriage to be like a bed of roses. I know that life is full of ups and downs and I am more than willing to work thru those with someone and cmopromise and do the best I can. To give it my all. The thing is, you need someone else who wants to do the same.

Suicide is not an option. It won't happen. When I feel bad I just dont want to live but I cant take my own life.

I do try now to ignore the things he says that hurt but I will also tell him when he hurts me. I get an apology eventually but it's pretty worthless when it happens again.

Enough for now. It's hard to do this. Maybe I will find some answers. I don't know.
Thank you for you,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin