Thank you for the hugs Toni, I am a fighter, always have been but I am tired. You pointed out another reason why I am still here. If I go I know it will be another couple years of struggle to get back on my feet. I'm tired. I'm just tired.

You know my husband isn't all bad, he has some really good qualities. Maybe just not enough for me or to make up for the past. He said and did all the right things before I married him and when I left him he had a "revelation" and said again all the right things. How he should be, how he should treat me, what I was asking of him......but then when it comes to actually doing it.....little bits here and there.

I wonder if maybe things would be better if I could open up a little too him, maybe not cring when he touches me but I can't. I have given him so many chances and he blows it every time. He even realizes this but it doesn't change anything.

I think maybe posting this was not one of my brightest ideas. My point was to find some way to feel better about myself and I don't. There is no miracle cure. No magic wand...poof.

I know 3 things.
The answers to my questions have to come from me somehow.
A relationship that hurts so much is not a relationship one should be in.
I have to find my own way home and figure out where that is.

But it still leaves me with all my questions.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin