I hate this computer. Can't change the internet settings, and it deleted my reply while when I was posting it. :: Here I go again...

Thank God that it's not inheritable, but that just takes out one of my many worries... There's still the worry that my short-term memory problems will cause me to flunk college, and I'm already 1 year behind my studies! I had to leave all my extremely close friends in my previous college to move temporarily to another college in order to avoid suspension and start from zero! If I flunk again, this will just add to my hopelessness!

To top my educational stresses, I'm aiming to be nothing lower than an Astrophysic/Complex Engineer, because I feel that that's how I can show the world what I can really do. And, as the names imply, I have to be exceptional at College in order to get into a special Institution that specializes in whichever I decide! With my short-term memory problems, as soon as I have homework and I write it down on my notebook and on my agenda, I forget all about it and don't even remember to check either until a classmate reminds me about it when the deadline is minutes away! This has been the culprit of my many educational failures (which I've been able to handle from Elementary to High School... They're a thousand times more forgiving than College), and I still don't have a valid excuse I can give my teachers (except that I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 7, but that's not even considered an excuse when you're 19 years old)...

I can handle the other experiences that happen to me, but the ones that interfere with my daily input/output are the ones that are driving me down this spiraling road to AnxietyLand. How can I do my best if, even if I try my best, it's not near my real capacity? My knowledge is wealthy in all things mathematics and physics (one of my passtimes is learning... I've gotten down Fermions, Hubble's Law, Doppler Effect, and [in progress] General Relativity). Plus, what about when my friends/family ask me "How was your day?"... My usual answer is "All's good, same as always", because I can't even remember what my last class's teacher was wearing! I even went to college and found my razor that I use to shave in the mornings with in my backpack, and who knows how it got in there (funny, but real)!

My worries might sound dumb to many people, but to me they're real and they are quite bothersome. I've had panic attacks because of worrying and not finding answers to my problems (which I also wrote about in my journal) where all I wanted to do was bash my head against stuff as hard as possible so I could lose consciousness and wake up feeling normal and worry-free (hopefully in a hospital where they would address my worries hastily)!

PS: I have a thing for writing things differently (color, writing scheme, order...) here and there in order to emphasize, show a between-the-lines thought, or quote... Sorry if it confuses anyone.