WARNING! Possibly triggering!

http://www.mumbai-central.com/nukkad.../msg00731.html

It's like seeing myself in a mirror... This is EXACTLY how I feel everyday! I feel like smashing my head against the wall (???) for finding someone who wrote exactly what I've been feeling for who knows how long!

The only difference is that what he enjoys others doing, I hate. I hate seeing people prove themselves better than others, I hate seeing people running after others, and I hate how people run after money... I see it all as greed and selfishness to an extent... I oftentimes wonder if humanity would fare better by living in order to progress, rather than living in order to enjoy life.

I also clash with my thoughts when I remember my friends back at my previous college... Usually I stop wondering about them when a sudden intrusive thought comes and tells me "I can live by myself. I don't need anyone or anything to fulfill my life... Hurry up, time, I want to get this all over with", where my other self pleads "I want to be happy! I want to taste new things, run around, socialize, love, and have a REAL life!"... And by other self, I mean my conscience. Right now, I want to laugh, eat, feel, and be happy... But at other times I hate everything, am indifferent to every event, and oftentimes choose the hardest decision so others can take the easiest one, as if I was proving myself that I don't need willpower or happiness to do things as long as I have a sense of purpose and a direction... Usually my hate leads to thoughts of wanting to destroy others for not seeing things my way, especially when they complain that things are boring, too hard, or disgusting.

Anyone else ever had this experience? Mine is on almost all the time these days. I only talk because I need to, not that I want to, to other people nowadays... That post in that forum seriously got my brain running, now I can't turn it off...