I got abused by my father, since I was small till I was 18, so I have some resentment towards him. He always wanted me to be the perfect, controllable child prodigy, and still does... I remember a few of the horrible things he did to me for such stupid things (like lying about how I've done all my homework when I actually missed 1 and got a 0 in elementary school), and all that so I would "grow up to be a good man, and make his father proud", and so my child ADHD wouldn't bother anyone...

So, it's very probable I feel this lifeless because I hate him, and I hate the way he treated me when I was smaller just so he could have a son to talk about when he's older. And it increases my hate even more knowing, out of all my brothers and sisters, I was the one under the most pressure and punishment, and that my mother never stood up for me, even after I broke my arm and he threatened me not to cry or else he would hit me where it hurt.

Now I can't stop thinking that people would do anything to feel happiness (or pleasure, if they mistake it for one another), or to feel the admiration of others on them. I am subconsciously wishing he would die or disappear forever, but my rational side tells me that if he does, we won't have an income in our family, and I'll suffer even more... So apart from feeling abused, I feel trapped.

But that's just me...

PS: Wow, you replied fast.