Thanks all, it has been a real roller coaster ride.

While I can understand it 'logically' that does not help matters any at all. I do not know which is worse the mood changes and sense of it's all completely hopeless or the panic attacks.

There have been many times I have just wanted to beat my head against the wall. Just to give me a valid reason for it all, i.e. to justify this. Other times, will I do not believe in fighting, I wish I could get into one just to release. Shrugs for all I know I will end up in a padded room before I can regain control. But the harder I fight to keep control, the worse it gets. And if I don't it just continues, a never ending loop with out beginning and with out end.

And then I wonder how I was able to maintain for so many years like I did. I did have another real bad period, though not as bad as this. But the docs I was seeing then didn't have a clue, and I was eventually able to regain control of things. Or so I thought, had a chance to talk with some one I used to work with long ago. And they told me that I was not the most sane person out there. Turns out he was bipolar as well, but never even mentioned or said anything to me. Or maybe he did, and I just disregarded it.

Which was probably what I did, being an x marine, we were trained to maintain, adapt and over come. That has never left me, that training, I just can't maintain and adapt any longer. I'm thinking if the docs back then made the correct diagnoses I would be far better off then I am now.

Don't know, just don't know.