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Sep 05, 2008, 11:54 AM
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Member Since: Sep 2007
Location: Sch of hard knocks.
Posts: 2,179
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Not sure this really belongs in this forum, but you guys all know how cozy it is here  , so I have this problem with "belonging", I mean even belonging here. Its a daily struggle not to just walk away. I've done it so many times in so many different ways. I just hate the feeling of becoming familiar. I hate it when it starts getting comfortable, or I begin to "know" people. I just want to walk away. I'm trying to do it differently at the moment, but still the urge to just "disappear" is strong. When after the first yr of therapy with my current T she said its time to g 2xwkly now, she asked me am I sure I am going to "commit"? I was slightly surprised she asked me this and it was only about a yr ago she told me that when I first came to therapy she got the feeling that I was going to just disappear one day like my birth mother had? I said, geez if only you know how wrong you are, theres no way I was ever going to walk away from therapy with her. I wondered what gave her that feeling, but yes she is right, my pattern in life apart from my hubbywubby and kids is to just disappear. I wonder perhaps if that gives me a feeling of being in control? If the just "hanging" around feels me with anxiety? anxiety because????? HHHmmm now thats the big question? Anxious that I will become just like everyone else and thats to ordinary for me? HHmmm that ole narcissim thing again raising its BIG head???...yeah I dont like to be just ordinary, I want to be extrodanairy, I want to stand out, I want to be different because ordinariness feels like death, but death of what? death of the ego? is it this that makes me run, is it this that leads me around like a blind horse? I have to fight to do the oppersite to what it desires, I have to fight the wave of anxiety and trust that ordinary doesn't equate to death. Oh my god, perhaps my birth mother struggled with these same thoughts? Perhaps thats why she "ran"? dam and ****, I'm gonna have to do this better then her aren't I? I've got to beat that voice that says RUNNNNNNNNNNN...
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
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