Another night of no sleep... yet... a bucket load of sleep meds... the pain overrides everything...

I have to put my pain somewhere.. or I really think.. I will go insane... though.. I know.. no one will care enough to try to understand.. or even read...

No one understands.. not even my therapist...

Everything.. is my fault.... blamed.. for not being able to do.. what I cannot do... a failure.. always and forever... forever and a day...

I hear my therapist's voice saying "and who gave it to him"...

He said "sorry today"... but it doesn't matter... makes no difference.. his voice.. has been added to the rest of the voices.. telling me I "failed"..

He... was T for my adult son for a few months.. not family therapy.. individual therapy..

And.. his loyalties.. immediately... became divided...

It has destroyed... out theraptic relationship...

I am to blame... you see.. for my ex-husband battering me.. for him almost killing me several times.. for him stalking me...

If... I had been a different person... THIS... would not have happened..

And.. that is the message I got loud and strong from my therapist today... in regards to my son...

My gentle.. nature.. hurts my son.... my son.. though never raised in the same house as my ex-husband... still saw my ex-husband... per court order... and my son learned how to intimidate...

And... it was never a problem... because my son never did this... until this past couple of years... when he wanted something.. and then.. he would use my ex-husband's mannerisms... and I would.. "cave".. and my son got a great deal of money from me.... and... my T... says.. that was to my son's detriment.. and I know it was.. because.. it comes with a case of extreme guielt... for my son.... and.. that is my shame..

That.. I was not strong enough... that I hurt my son inadvertently...
That .. I did not rise to the occasion... that... I am not what my son needed me to be....

My shame..

if I had been a "strong" person.. my ex.. would not have beaten me....

My son.. as an adult learned of.. my ex-husband's treatment of me.. and blamed me....my mother blamed me.. "she raised me better than that"... my shame... yet.. it is my father who sexually and physically abused me.. and she knew...

What does one do... never being able to be what.. others need them to be.. to do....

They are right... I failed...

Living.. in this world... in constant pain.... it is.. so hard.. I ask myself.. why I am here...

Living as a DID person... switching alters....never always knowing.. what happened.. within my own life..... does no one... "get".. how hard it is to "cover".. in the real world... to interact with people... to not look like a liar.. because.. you have differing opinions...because alters take over.. and express their feelings.. their hopes.. their dreams.. their wants...

BLAME... in capital letters... FAILURE... in capital letters....because people cannot comprehend... what it is like to lose hours.. days... of your life...and you want to scream... "I am doing the best that I can"... does NO... one get it...

Does.. NO one get.. that I cannot take a pill... to make this better... to improve this... that.. it.. is what it is....

In my therapist's office... today... an alter was speaking... and I had absolutely.. no knowledge of.. what was said... he asked me " was I aware of.. the discussion".... and... no... nothing.. zip... 35 minutes out of my life.. that I have no knowledge of.....

So... in the last 10 minutes... he filled me in.....

I give up.... a failure.. forever and a day...

my heart... my heart is broken... not my alter's hearts.. MINE... I count too...