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Sep 06, 2008, 09:06 PM
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 ((( lenny, thelostone, wanttoheal )))
Sorry Lenny. I just get into a place sometimes (well, almost always) where I fear I'll be hurt for what I say, I didn't mean to shine any doubt on anyone here. You're all great people. I'm just no used to being allowed to share personal feelings or being allowed to say that I'm scared, and when I do, I fear I'm just bothering those around me.
I guess I'll never see myself as worth the effort, and I love Kate, so I just want to see her okay before I am. I always feel responsible for her well-being, and when she's not well, I blame myself. I hate to see her down, it kills me, although I know she says she hates seeing me like this too  I just feel helpless when I can't make her all better.
I don't trust psychs when they're working with me. I never can. None of us can. We're scared of them and we hear things internally that make us fear.
We didn't expect see him ever again, he doesn't live in the immediate area Scares both of us to see him, memories for both of us. I don't like having to live in fear of him again.
Kate says her psych is clueless (putting it politely) but when I think about it I can really see all kinds of signs I just dismissed as minor things and it seems obvious that she's had this for a long time to me. They're not sure what exactly but I know no matter what they say Kate will completely freak. She still denies she has PTSD even when that is completely obvious. I just want her to be okay. I keep telling her it's just putting a word to something she has always had but she hates it.
I'm still flip-flopping on a T. Don't want one because of fear issues, guess I'm kinda borderline paranoid with Ts. They're too scary.
We all want to hide. I think that's safe to say. Wanting to hide but not wanting to be alone- wanting to ask for help but not being comfortable asking. Wanting someone to talk with but afraid to say the first word. 
Doctor's appointment Monday for an eye problem I have been putting off Scared for that. I just feel awful and beaten and scared and alone. I did start a journal irl though that I try to use for all of us to write day-to-day emotions and feelings down but it seems counter-productive because I have no one to show.
Sorry to write so much. Just feeling so down and scared and triggered so often. Scary things happen that I can't talk about and none of us can talk about.
 :Sigh:
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