Hi Laquina.

I just want to send you hundreds of hugs!!!! I'm not very good with the on-line symbols, but I think it goes something like this {{{{Laquina}}}} Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong!

I just wanted to let you know that I've been there. I could have written your post myself. Just to sum up my own situation in "micro-sentences": Been depressed most of my life. Recently diagnosed. Used to have lots of friends. Lost all friends from high school and uni. Couldn't control mood swings. Was mean a lot. Overwhelmed by guilt. Ashamed of self. Gained over 100 pounds in last 10 years. LOW self-esteem. Still can't always control mood swings. Almost impossible to keep friends. Almost every 'friend' since graduating from uni 5 years ago is from work. Sometimes invite me, often leave me out. Always find out. Feel hopeless, defective, guilty, worthless sometimes.

There. I hope that made sense. Anyway, the point of my post isn't to make you feel worse. It's to reassure you that I, and I'm sure many others on this board, can understand how you feel.

As for advice, all I can say is to go to therapy. I've shared all the above feelings with a psychiatrist and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Why? Because I was taught that my symptoms (ie. self-hatred, pessimism, etc...) were consistent with a treatable illness, not evidence of an inherently flawed individual. Secondly, therapy can help you identify and correct patterns of thinking and/or behaviour that may be leading to some of the interpersonal issues you mentioned. Of course, therapy is a process, so it will take some time to adjust to your new insight and coping skills.

If anything else, I recommend getting involved in whatever you can. Take some classes, join a book club, volunteer. Don't be afraid to invite someone out for coffee after work.

As for how to hold a conversation, I try to ask the person something about them, or I ask for their advice. It could be something like: "My parents' anniversary is coming up soon. I was thinking of taking them out for dinner. Any ideas?" Look for follow-up questions and make sure to ask open-ended questions-- it forces people to give a longer answer than just yes/no questions.

To sum everything up, just remember to give yourself permission to make mistakes. Remind yourself that you are on a path to healing and there WILL be bumps in the road.

If you want to talk some more, don't hesitate to PM me.

Good luck!