Time to feel the grief is what lead me to where I am today. I guess I never allowed myself to go there, but the time has come to face what I have been dreading.
Let me begin by some insite to my situation.
I lost my mother in Oct. of 2001, and as all things go she was my world! Being an only daughter it was only natural that I was her caretaker. Regrets I have none. Who could after all a mother stands for. She had a hard life and never once let it reflect on my life. When she passed away, I thought that I would never be the same again, but with the help and support of my loving husband I managed.
He was the strength that kept me afloat during the storms. He himself had a heart condition, which mandated a by pass less then a year later. All seemed well and about 3 months after, he began having the same symptoms as before, which I could not understand! After all he just had his heart laid out on a cookie sheet! The day before is died his cardo gave him a clean bill of health and sent him on his way.
The next morning as usual the kiss goodbye was the last one I will ever have from him. I got a call at work that he was being rushed to a hospital about an hour away from his job. As I was rushing to get there nothing entered my mind , heart or soul that that would be the day that I would lose my best friend, best father, best son-in-law, best grandfather, and the most important , supportive human being in the world!!
I might mention that he was only 56. It set me into one heck of a tail spin. A massive heart attack!
When I finally got to see him, it was so unreal that all I kept thinking was "this can't be happening"!!
No warning just the end of 36 years with my soul mate.
I can still smell his last breath and see the agony.
I have not t let myself go any further. I can't go there yet for I know that I will never survive.
So my point is how to grieve when I have not allowed myself to go there. Grief conselor can't help me at this point that is why I am going through all the anxiety,panic and depression.
I often wonder if I will make it.