I always hope for a good day, but it seems it is just not going to happen any time soon. Thought that maybe just maybe today would be it. But no....

I had expected a problem with my son, that I was preparing for and was hoping for the best on that score. So I decided I was in need of a walk and I was only gone for maybe an hour. Good to his word, he had started, though not finished cleaning what he was supposed to do. I walk in to the kitchen and notice smoke and the smell of burning rubber.

Well he had over filled the washing machine with cloths, and there it was just burning the drive belt. Basement was completely engulfed in smoke to the point it was hard to breath. Then the panic had set in, full force no quarter asked not given so to speak. Felt like I was having a heart attack. I turned off the washer and made sure there was not a fire fire.

I didn't know what I wanted to do about it, I told him what he did and that it was a good thing I came home when I did. Because he was completely unaware or cared. Then he starting yelling and screaming at me for the fire extingisher. Swearing and all the rest, every time he opened his mouth it was like a sledge hammer hitting me.

No I feel that I can not leave the house at all if he is home. I know by him being here, is no longer helping my mental health at all. He is effecting me to the point of why even try to clean anything, cause he is going to just come along and make sure it is just a friggen mess.

I am completely torn about it him being here now. One more thing he has busted or broken so he can not be asked to do any thing. I feel if he stays things are going to get worse, and if I tell him it's time for him to leave I will go into a deeper depression and or panic then I am now.

I am really having issues on dealing with a lot of things, I just want to lock myself in a room or something and just not be here no more, or any where. And I am terrified that some doc is going to determine I need to be in the hospital a couple of days if not longer. Then I know the animals will starve because my son will not feed or water them, or let the dog out to do her business, or let her in afterwards. And everything will be broken and or destroyed cause he was 'bored' and just looking.

I feel like a complete failure as a father and a human being in every sense of the word right now. I want to scream.... but can't, i want to cry..... but can't.